Letting Go: Saying Goodbye to my Grandmother (A Tribute)

I always found the love that my grandparents shared amazing and inspiring.                                                                          

                                                                           She was always beautiful.

                                                                          I had joy watching my children enjoy and love her.

"I'll be in heaven soon. Please don't cry, or you'll make me cry."

"I won't." I promised, inwardly wincing as she coughed. Her eyes widened as she sought with desperation to take in the lukewarm air of the hospital room but came short from receiving any satisfactory amount. The air that my lungs almost took for granted hers painfully struggled to breathe in.

"I know you will be okay." I said, looking deep into her eyes. Believing in my heart what I was saying was true though realizing that we were both probably having two completely different ideas of what death meant and what heaven might be. Those differences mattered little in this moment. What mattered most was being there for her. Surrounding her with love and compassion. 

I swallowed back the grief of knowing that the grandmother I had loved for thirty years was soon going to withdraw from her physical body and I'd no longer have the warm hand I now held. I know it was probably a selfish thought.  I couldn't help, though,  but mourn within at the thought that I'd soon no longer be able to look into her beautiful eyes for wisdom, love and comfort again. I'd soon no longer see that faint hint of mischievousness glimmer in them as she'd steal glances over at my grandfather across a crowded room. Ah, the love the two of them shared!  If only there was more of it in this world things would look a lot different.

I could perceive that she was on the verge of a journey and I felt both saddened by her nearing departure, wishing nothing more to tether her spirit to the dock it had been anchored to for so long, wanting her to continue to reside at the same harbor we had shared for so many years while also feeling a bit of excitement for her. I knew she was about to enter into the spiritual wholly unencumbered by the physical. Leaving the body that had betrayed her behind.  An inevitable transition which I could not interfere with as all around sat those of us who loved her reflecting with the same sad acceptance upon the reality that was now unfolding. I knew this time was coming for a couple of years now as her health has slowly been worsening. In all honesty, though, up until these last few weeks I thought there was more time. Maybe even another Christmas. I don't write the script though and it is pure futility resisting the direction the river of life chooses to flow.

Memories flashed through my consciousness as I sat there holding her hand. I thought about the countless Saturday night sleepovers I had in my youth. My sister and I in our pajamas curled up under one of the huge afghans she had lovingly knit together with bowls of ice cream sundaes that we knew our mother would never approve of eating at such a late hour. Scenes flickered like an old movie reel through my mind.

We always  waited for my grandfather to come home from working with prisoners at the city's jail. My grandmother's secret to a happy marriage when I asked her a few days before she passed: never go to bed without telling your spouse you love them and never go to bed angry with one another. No matter how long it takes don't go to bed with a seed of bitterness planted. Uproot it so that only love is left. (paraphrasing) I will never forget how we all embraced my grandfather as he entered the door. A small merry band heralding his return. The pungent smell of prison still on his clothes. I breathed it in, savoring the scent unique only to that one moment.

All was always good at my grandmother's. There were never harsh words spoken. There was always such a feeling of love; acceptance and playful joy emanated from every corner of their home. We'd laugh, talk, share. I always felt safe there. I remember the day the twin towers were struck and came tumbling down and all of America walked around fragmented, dazed and confused. My first instinct was to leave college and drive forty minutes to my grandparents home. It was there where I sat with them both sharing coffee and a healthy dose of comfort and familiarity.

I could almost smell the salt air of the ocean as I felt her hand squeezing mine. It was warmer than usual as she was growing feverish.  My mind reflected on all the summer vacations I shared with both my grandparents, discovering what treasures the ocean brought up in its persistent surf crashing upon the shore and now thinking sadly of the precious treasure that was now being swept away from me. That was going to merge with the great infinite unknown- life's greatest mystery-death.  One I believe that promises bliss and union and is nothing to fear. I looked at my grandmother who now closed her eyes and thought about how she had always met life's challenges with grace and strength. She was a woman who resolutely and with passion helped keep a marriage blazing with love for more than sixty years with my grandfather and helped raise three strong daughters. 

I continued to visit her at the hospital. Love surrounded her continually as we family members planned out our days and nights to make sure at every moment she'd have at least one hand to hold. The last time I saw her I just remember kissing her face and hands. It was as if I couldn't get enough of her at that moment because I knew it might be the last one. She was so very tired and her eyes hardly opened. The morphine drip had been in place for nearly a full day by then. She opened her eyes and made tremendous effort to squeeze my hand one last time and tell me that she loved me. I poured out "I love you's" to her, thanking her for being the best grandmother to me and great-grandmother to my children. I wished  her well telling her that she was about to take the most amazing journey and that God would always be there with her. That she would know true peace and her suffering was soon to end.  My soul reached out to hers in longing, not wanting to let go but the hands of peace cupped themselves around my heart and drew me back as it was time to leave. I had the feeling that I was leaving her for the last time but the hope that perhaps I would see her again the following day.

A little after four the next morning right before I was about to rise for chanting and meditation I received a call from my mother that she had passed. I had my cell phone by my bed and crawled back in it afterwards drawing the covers up high around me and unabashedly allowed my tears to soak them. I know there is a time for everything. Without darkness we would not know of light and without death we would not recognize the miracle of life. Death is a fate none can bypass. I used to picture it as a curtain closing upon us marking the end. Now I see it as more the opening of a curtain revealing the beginning of a new way. My grandmother a couple of days before she passed would keep telling us that she saw a beautiful gate opening to what was just pure light. Members of hospice would describe her state as having one foot on earth and one foot in the world that laid beyond our senses. I know now that she is on the other side of that gate and it brings me joy that she is now free of the pain she had to endure for so long. The memories of her will always keep her alive in all of our hearts.

This post is intended to not only reflect my thoughts and reflections towards losing my grandmother but also to serve as a tribute towards her. To recognize what an amazing person she was and how she caused gardens of love to blossom wherever her feet tread. I usually only include one picture in each post but I feel inspired to include more this time around so as to share a little of the person my grandmother was with all who happen by  in attempts of  honoring her memory. Hope you enjoy them. (Note: blogger is giving me issues so pardon the format)

Thoughts? I always love hearing them! Please leave them in the comments section. Thank you!