All of us want peace. All of us want to be happy. When life throws negativity our way it is hard to always deflect the arrows of darkness that seem to pierce the peace we try so hard to cultivate. I haven't written much on my blog lately as I am trying to sort out some things spiritually. This morning, though, was a particularly difficult one for me personally. I felt my peace and security shattered as my hopes for the future seemed to fall down around me. It is in those moments when we look for something to hold on to, an anchor of sorts, to help steady ourselves so that we aren't knocked off our feet during these times of perceived chaos. It's almost like we are compelled to pursue peace sometimes as if we were hungry hunters but it just passes through our hands like a mirage when we reach out to grasp it. I don't want to be too dramatic , though, as what I am going through personally is no doubt just as much if not less than what some of you have experienced. Both joy and sorrow come to us all.
When I feel utterly lost for words it is when I tend to just turn on some music (this morning it was Krishna Das) and find words amidst the sheer emptiness conceived from despair that seems to loom within my consciousness. Below is a poem I wrote. I have not edited it yet as I rarely really spend time editing my poems, for better or for worse. It describes some of the despair one can feel. It is difficult to go through difficult times but I think for some of us it can be especially difficult when we have not yet cultivated a firm philosophy and are struggling spiritually with concepts. So this poem also reflects such a struggle. At the end I bring up the "Holy Names". I am referring to my mantra, the mahamantra. (Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare/Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare). Regardless of whether or not I always think of God as being personal or impersonal, I have continued to chant this mantra and in all times, both stable and unstable, joyous and grievous, I have found that by chanting this mantra my soul has found some comfort and peace.
I'd love your thoughts in the comments section. Thank you!
Pursuing Peace
When all hope drains away
and all that is left is filth and decay
When longing is all that the heart feels
The soul reaching out for something to heal
The pain that reaches deeper than eternity
All that meets one's agonizing pleas
Is an emptiness vast as the ocean is wide
The seed of light long buried deep inside
covered with thick layers of maya and grief
One's spirit longing for much needed reprieve
This life seems a tragic and laughable dance
Poised on the pinnacle of misery and chance
Like a wave joy rises only to meet sorrow
The light of today kisses the darkness of tomorrow
Is there a God out there to sweep me away
from the tragedies life throws my way?
Or is it all just a jumble of happenstance
No meaning except for this moment, no God to glance
up from His undoubtedly busy duties of creating
to, in His mercy, absorb up some of this pain permeating
My soul making it throb and quiver,
Making my heart so cold that it ceases even to shiver.
Maybe there is no way to truly find out the mysteries that hold
All of mankind in suspense, a story truly untold.
We can speculate and forecast our fates
But none really knows what is scribbled on reality's slate.
All that I know is when the darkness settles in
I repeat the Holy Names as if they were a holy hymn.
In them my heart takes refuge and searches for peace
Waiting for the storm's raging winds to finally cease.
