The Fragility of Existence

As I turned off the water and pulled the curtain aside leaving our tiny bathroom in full view my spirit stirred seeming to dance amidst the shifting fog.   I found myself most unwillingly plunged spontaneously in the moment between past and eternity. I felt almost like a vapor, translucent and just another swirl in the shifting elixir of the kosmos. Casting my unique hue, assuming my place in the life of things.  I moved and had my being that shared being with everything else around me.


I could feel each beat of my heart and was acutely aware of my organs. I closed my eyes but could feel and see each one- my kidneys, my colon, my lungs, heart, spine-everything. The thin layer that separated these fragile organs that comprised of the system identified as me from the rest of the world no longer seemed like the barrier it once was perceived to be.    Intensely conscious of the space between and within each cell I was struck at how truly empty and spacious we all are on a subatomic level.

Then it hit me. Like a thunderbolt. This feeling of dread as I stood becoming fully aware at the full fragility of my existence.  I am going to die. I could die any moment really. I am truly fragile, a mere wrinkle in the folds of eternity, easily ironed out by any number of infinite things. And those I love, also wrinkles,  little specks in the vastness of a timeless time.  No wonder why so many people find comfort in religion.

The last couple of years as I began really turning over stones and searching for what might be true concerning the nature of God I've discovered the need to discard the definition of Him as defined by organized religion. Just a couple of years ago I remember asking my pastor questions that were obviously not the right ones. I was rebuked and accused of being a pantheist. But to me, something just wasn't quite right about the idea of an intentional personal deity, especially one in a world of such chaos and suffering. One that was supposed to be the embodiment of Love.

I was rebuked and repented  and went back to reading the Scriptures exclusively, dropping all interests in other philosophies where I might find some answers and a more compatible view to the way I was starting to see the world. Eventually, a year later I broke entirely free from all of that. Thoughts of this all are now flashing through my head as I feel mortality's weight bearing down on my consciousness.

I rejected all of that because I started seeing things the way I feel they are. I want the truth but here I stand naked, caught now transfixed in reflection while my lungs are contracting and expanding and beads of water fall in rivulets down my breathing skin from here to there to eventually the bottom of the basin. Here I stand in complete dread at the reality of what life very well might be. I wanted the truth and here it is. I thought there was nothing better than knowing the truth but now that I have never felt closer to it and never felt more clarity towards it I'm starting to regret the inquisitive nature that defines much of my ego. It is leading me to dark and unfamiliar places. It's as if my soul longs to draw back the curtain, wrap itself in a towel and fall asleep somewhere warm and comforting, perhaps in the embrace of a psalm or hymn to be lulled back into the deep peaceful sleep my curiosity rudely woke it up from.

No no no...no sleep! Isn't the whole point in this lifetime to be awakened? And when I think I'm on the road towards such a lofty and perhaps unachievable goal I now want to stop and pitch a tent and go no further? I almost laugh. What an unbelievably cruel joke life might very well be. Though, not really a joke at all for that would presuppose that there was a jokester. Irony is probably a more appropriate word. Here on this planet life blooms complex life forms that blossom even more complex levels of consciousness. Memories, feelings, hopes, dreams, ambitions-factors that make us, us, just simply stop being when our bodies no longer function? Could that really be how it is? Isn't that already what I've been discovering through meditation? That we are not our thoughts, our body, our feelings. That those aren't really us. That within us lies a core of eternity , one and the same with that which holds together the Universe? Which is the Universe itself?

I guess I accepted that in practice and theory but the true realization of what it all meant never really dawned on me until this moment.  Am I right to have such a foreboding towards that reality? Doesn't everyone want to continue forever, want their loved ones to continue forever? I didn't just cast aside a dogmatic God. I am now realizing the full weight and implications of what I am coming to accept God and reality as being. I am now realizing that I have cast aside the idea of having any real God at all in the traditional sense of the word.

Yes, I admit to myself, now drying off for there are things to be done in the day. I can feel the soft cotton running along my skin. The air is growing cooler as nearly all the fog has lifted. If the ego dies forever, which makes sense to me, and only Self remains, all our autonomy and sense of self (as defined by our ego) vanishes. Is that really a bad thing? Through life we are engrossed in our egos, captivated by them, must we seek to be the same also in death?

As I dress little hands knock on the door. It is my son. He is eager to go play out in the woods today. I am too. There is no place I feel more free than out in the natural world and I love seeing my son develop a passion for jumping over fallen trees, gathering vines and attempting to arrange them in a crown to wear and throwing rocks, kerplunk, into the river. All that really matters is now. That is all that really exists. Life between each beat of our hearts. And to live fully is what brings glory and honor to the thread in the tapestry of eternity that we weave with our egos. It gives it color and playfulness. Texture and a unique vibration all of its own. To live and not to sleep, to plunge in the roaring tides fearlessly and without abandon or excuse, is what this life is all about. To be caught up in dwelling on what the future holds in terms of eternity is to miss the point entirely.

 
I open the door and his bright smile is like a sunrise in my heart.  Thoughts of death and mortality vanish as I get lost in his eyes that are filled with so much light and joy. His hands  are already holding the dog's leash. He's ready to go...and so we do.

Thoughts? I'd love to hear them! Please leave them in the comments section. Thank you!

Death

My walks through our town often take the same course. I go down one of the busiest roads in our area. It  whistles and buzzes with the rhythmic swooshing and sporadic sounding of car horns. Then hanging a quick right I traverse through our town's cemetery before coming out on a road perpendicular that takes me back home. I suppose I could just take the sidewalk that lines the perimeter around the cemetery but, in all honesty, something attracts me to this seemingly grim place. In fact, almost every time I walk through there I wonder if someone might think me morbid for making such a custom of visiting an earth that is fertile with the decaying flesh and bones of individuals who once felt life pulse through them. That laughed and wept under the same sky that now breaks warm hues through my consciousness as it shines down upon our town's lake below, in its brilliance reflecting a world of impermanence.

Being there reminds of the ever changing nature of life. The only constant is change. I recently had a conversation where the purpose of life was discussed. It dawned on me that perhaps the primary purpose of life was not to necessarily love others or make a difference in the world but simply to live. To fully live. To meet each moment where it finds us and become completely immersed and saturated in the awareness of the  interconnectedness that Is. Like a wave that rises to its full height, crest reaching towards the heavens , poised at the pinnacle of each moment conscious awareness of the present allows us to experience God in all His transcendent glory. When that happens all of the other notions we have of what makes life meaningful, like serving and loving others, follow because we want to nurture the interconnectedness that we experience. A deep empathy arises within us and spills out covering the world around us in God's love.

Should we fear death? What is death and what happens when we die? These questions have undoubtedly been asked since the first homo sapien capable of consciousness initially became aware of death.  Perhaps this occurred after taking his first meal and feeling warm flesh grow cold and stiff, witnessing entrails staining emerald grass a ghastly crimson hue. A flash of revelation dawning on him that he was ending a life to preserve his own. Or maybe even from seeing the leaves begin to change color, turn an earthy shade and fall to disintegrate into the ground below. An intense fear must have arose the moment he realized that he would meet the same fate. From the earliest times religions have sprung up as a way for man to help make peace and reconciliation with his unavoidable demise.

I just finished viewing a documentary, "Flight from Death:The Quest for Immortality". It showed the results from many psychological studies that point towards the defensiveness individuals and groups have towards their versions of immortality which are generally embedded within their psyches through their religious beliefs. Myths and religious constructs, whether you believe them to be true or not, certainly have an affect in providing people with a sense of security and a deep sense of meaning to life which helps to make death less mysterious.

The beginning of the film was very interesting as it took the viewer from one culture's creation story to another. I found it fascinating. It then showed why tolerance towards other beliefs can be such a precarious goal.  When one opens themselves up to accepting another person's belief as valid, it begins to threaten their own belief of immortality which provides them with their sense of meaning and purpose. That threat can shatter the very sense of their  foundation of their existence. 

When the foundation which is the basis for their belief of immortality is threatened, defensive measures ensue, oftentimes violent, as the studies and historical accounts reveal. The film noted historically that all other murders by individuals, like serial killers,  were a drop in the bucket compared to the  amount of killing and violence linked toward the defense of people's beliefs in order to maintain their sense of security over their perceptions of immortality. To feel like their sense of immortality is valid and true, and thus their eternal fates sealed and secure, people have been known throughout time to attempt to either conform others with differing views to accept their own or eradicate them. How tragic and utterly unnecessary. 

In a book I'm reading, from Alan Watts he describes the anxiety and near obsession we have with death as being like that of a cat chasing it's tail. He chases his tail because he hasn't the notion of his whole self and sees his tail as a separate part of himself. If he could only realize that his head and tail were connected by his elongated and sleek torso he would realize that it were all one and lose his intense and rather distracting obsession with pursuing something he perceives is outside of himself and a completely futile pursuit. That is exactly the relationship life has with death.  It is a different side of the same coin. It is a natural part of our existence, for to have an eternal life would, really , be near torture. A soul needs its time to rest.

We differ from the rest of animals in that our consciousness allows us to perceive and project our own theories about what the future holds. This can lead to intense fears and anxieties. We see death around us and know that it lurks around the corner of our life's story, not knowing which page will be the last, the ending a mystery that has been sought to be answered throughout time. In The Book On the Taboo of Knowing Oneself, Watts describes the transition from life to death as something not to be feared but more as an awakening of sorts to be welcomed as a natural course of one's existence. When a person is imminently facing their inevitable end with refusal  and grandeur illusions of escaping it they are doing themselves a grave disservice in not preparing themselves to enter into a glorious awakening. Death should not be feared, but welcomed when it is time, as a natural course of things.

"In death we doff the persona, as actors take off their masks and costumes in the green room behind the scenes. And just as their friends come behind the stage to congratulate them on the performance, so one's own friends should gather at the deathbed to
help one out of one's mortal role, to applaud the show, and, even more,
to celebrate with champagne or sacraments (according to taste) the great awakening of death."
~ Alan Watts, The Book On The Taboo of Knowing Who You Are p. 33

You might not feel that you obsess about death. I certainly don't think I do. The psychologists and neuroscientists in the documentary brought up the point that even though we might not seem to be dwelling on death consciously we are continually exposed to the reality of death. It could be from the evening news as we listen to an act of violence resulting in murder being reported. It could be driving by a bad accident and the thought of life's fragility flashing through our minds. Even if we seem to readily enough dismiss these occurrences our subconsciousness has been proven not to. The documentary further revealed through studies that the reminder of death in our subconscious mingled with our own interpretation of immortality effects the way we perceive events and participate in them.  When death is subconsciously being thought of test subjects have been known to be less sensitive, even conjuring up malicious intentions, to those of different belief systems. 

We can't really control, as far as I know, what our subconsciousness is exposed to or thinks. We can, however, begin to reconsider our notions of death and thereby start to build a more secure and healthy foundation for the way we approach others in the world. Realizing that even if we dare to consider another person's version of immortality, that regardless of either their version or ours, death is a natural process, comes to us all, and is merely an extended journey of our eternal existence.

The tragedy that happens to so many is that they are obsessed with their own mortality, as well as other meandering thoughts, that they fail to live in the present moment which is the only real kind of living there is. So some people die without really living at all. Perhaps our biggest fear shouldn't necessarily be death but should, instead, be whether or not the life we had to live here on earth was squandered. When we cultivate a habit of mindfulness, of living in the present moment, the abundant miracles and wonders of life begin to rise up and make themselves known. We live life fully. Living in the present moment ushers one into experiencing a deep sense of interconnectedness with all that is, and helps to vanish much of the unease regarding the turning of the last page of one's final chapter.

Thoughts? I'd love to hear them! Please leave them in the comments section. Thank you!